Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 11: Michael Rosen Vs Jim Dale
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: Harry Potter audiobook narrator-turned-disgusting sexual deviant Jim Dale faces children's poet-turned-all-around maniac Michael Rosen in a clash of YTP's voices! See the video here: /watch?v HqiUBszhMZ4


**_VIDEO HERE: _ watch?v=HqiUBszhMZ4**

_(Intro title text says "MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAPE BATTLES")_

**MOLEMAN'S EPIC R– WAIT, WHAT?**

**MICHAEL ROSEN…**

**…VS…**

**…JIM DALE!**

**BEGIN!**

**Michael Rosen:**

A hip, hop, a hip–hop hippie

To the hip hip hop, and you don't stop

A rock it to the plum–plum boogie say up jumped

The boogie to the rhythm of the Michael Rosen Rap–rap–rap–rap!

When I was one, I had tons of fun

With my mom and dad, going all 'round murdering people with shotguns,

And now I'm sixty-seven times more outrageous, so

Don't mess with me; that's really dangerous, y'know!

I was crazier than you when I was in my mother's womb;

I'm gonna drop you like *KABOOM, KABOOM, KABOOM*!

I am THE FIERCEST STORYTELLER IN THE WORLD!

Your drivel is for stupid eleven–year–old girls.

I'm funnier, sexier, and more popular, too;

I love poopers, but can't say the same about you!

I'm making full use of my Big Book of Bad Things.

I bet your strategy is to be so boring,

Michael will get so fed up, he'll go slam his face against the wall,

Before he can string you up by your balls!

I'd sooner lose to a drunk two year old, faggot;

I shall beat you faster than an electronic rabbit!

I'm the definition of a fantastic cool guy;

You're the definition of the ultimate fool guy,

And as for your readings, I prefer Stephen Fry,

So why don't you just KEEL OVER AND DIE?

**Jim Dale:**

And, for some strange reason, I came suddenly into the class

To show how I in every way possible surpass

This smelly and very pathetic excuse for a narrator,

Than which I am hundreds and hundreds of times greater!

I'm Jim Mother–Fucking, Penis–Sucking, Pube–Plucking Dale!

Attempting to beat me is EPIC FAIL.

Of dirty audiobooks, I'm the undisputed king.

PENIS! PENIS! DICK! PENIS! BLINGA–BLING–BLING!

I'll cover you in feces, so foamy and brown,

Then ejaculate into your fucking ear; TOUCHDOWN!

Stick my wrinkled–old–man boner in your ass, just like Neville's,

Until it gapes so wide, that out drops the Devil,

Who will join me in raping you until the hypertension

Explodes and ass–blasts you into another fucking dimension!

I'm about to murder you like Snape murders Dumbledore,

Cutting you into strips with my ginormous ninja sword.

Or, I could deposit a massive anus baby

In your face, smashing you until you're Pushing Daisies!

Fuck the Skyfoogle, I'm the true terrifying creature

Who will finish the job started by your teacher,

And make you suffocate from the smell of my asshole.

Keep your stupid nigger plums, I've got fucking pineapple!

And on your retarded, out–of–print bullshit,

I must say: I really didn't fucking like it. _(Yeah!)_

**Michael Rosen:**

That was one sloppy, cheesy verse coming from you.

Cut the recycled bullshit and try something new!

Right! It's time for the moment you dread

When Michael gets so fed up, he turns furiously red!

Yeah, that's right; I'm going on a Jim Dale hunt;

Gonna stuff bombs up his horrible mouth–cunt!

I'm a Children's Laureate; that's _really good_,

But besides fools with computers made of wood,

Nobody at all wants to hear you! Your penis is tiny,

While my long cock and big butt will leave you going "BLIMEY!"

When I fuck you for three hours with a "fiddle riddle diddle";

I'm gonna burn you like a hamburger on a griddle!

**Jim Dale:**

Fuck you so much, you stupid retard.

You know nothing 'bout my penis, so suck it long and hard!

My cock is the drill that will pierce the Heavens;

It's caused three times more death than September Eleventh!

That's right! I have big, enormous purple nipples,

And testicles too enormous even for Drew Pickles!

This is your last warning: you better retreat,

Before I start jerking off, going SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET,

*Poickoickoickoickoickoickoickoick* OH! And drown you in my cum,

Then cum again on your corpse, like I did to my mom!

Shove you face–first up J. K. Rowling's moldy, smelly cunt,

Which is certainly nothing like HAMBURGER RESTAURANTS!

When she, Voldemort and l bang you like Harry,

You'll find our butt-potion particularly scary!

_Did somebody say "scary"?_

**George S. Irving:**

Ooooooooooooh, I'm the host with the most old sacks;

You two are stupid gay faggot hacks.

Shook hands with both scarecrows: Dr. Crane and Harold, no doubt;

If your name has an "L", time to get out!

Now, I'll stop ripping off existing lines,

And rip you new assholes with original rhymes!

I'm ten years older and wiser;

It's about to get hot; you're dealing with the Heat Miser!

I've been performing since 1943;

That's a longer career than Christopher Lee,

And just like him, I ain't going to retire:

I don't need Thomas and Alfred to throw you in the fire!

You're drunk, Michael; go tidy your room!

You, too, Jim: flee before I make this one your tomb!

I'll tie you to a pole, taking you hostage,

Bring you to Samuel Blunt and make wonderful sausage!

I've got cows aplenty, a Big Slithery Dee,

And dance moves rivaling Aaron Kelly's,

Plus swag as big as Martin the Cat.

I'll rip your cocks clean off; feed 'em to a sewer rat!

AAaAaAuAAuUuUUuGgGHhh! I'll make you scream

Until you're pale as that ugly bitch from "The Dream".

I've got passion in my sacks, and ain't afraid to show it.

You both are dead, but too stupid to know it!

**…WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WAS THAT?! WELL, WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS AWESOME! …I THINK… NOT QUITE SURE…**

**WHO WON?**

**WHO'S NEXT?**

**I DECIDE!**

**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**


End file.
